The following is a transcript from the post game media availability where GM Mike Ostrom gave his year end address while shot-gunning tall can’s of Labatt 50 at various intervals:
“WE DID IT, WE F*CKIN DID IT! THE WHARTON CURSE IS GONE! WHERE IS MY F*CKIN BANNER? I WANT IT RIGHT NOW! WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DON’T GET IT UNTIL THE HOME OPENER? I ALREADY THREW OUT MY BED SHEETS, I WAS GOING TO USE IT AS A BLANKET FOR THE NEXT MONTH. THIS IS RIDICULOUS! ***SHOTGUNS A 50***
Ok I have calmed down a bit, il get back to that banner later. WE DID ITTTTTTTTT. I want to start off by apologizing to all the GMs I have been ignoring over the last few weeks. My cell phone was vibrating like crazy and I didn’t want to respond and jinx our chances, so I told my wife to take it and hide it on her somewhere. Seeing all the missed DM’s now, I know why a) my phone smells and b) why she has been so happy recently.
Before I start thanking the boys on the squad, I also want to send a big middle finger and thank you to Bryan Rust. Your willingness to not resign with us created the need to trade your lazy ass away. In return we happily took an NHL vet who wanted to cement his history with more championships, and Eric Staal dug into the fountain of youth and put on almost a point a game performance. So fuck you Rust but thank you at the same time for bringing on this beast.
***SHOTGUNS TWO 50’S STONE COLD STYLE AND FLIPS THE TWO BIRDS AT THE CAMERA SAYING THESE ARE FOR YOU RUST***
What can I say about this squad. Deep with leadership, talent, beer chugging abilities and sealing the deal on hotties, this team had it all and knew their roles. After we missed the playoffs last year, we re-tooled and knew we were going to win the fuckin cup opening night, don’t quote me on that though. Everyone was calling us old with Bergy, Staal, Patches, Letang, Suter, Brown, etc… But the old folks home had some young studs (Ostrom does a weird leg twitch thing a few times to the camera when saying studs, one journalist pukes in disgust) like superstar Mackinnon, Pietro, Copp and future all time best goalie Sheshterkin. The depth on this team is crazy, and unless all our old men retire, we will be right back at it next year. (Ostrom points to the owner in the back and says do whatever it takes to ensure they don’t retire).
***SHOTGUNS A 50, PUKES IN MOUTH A BIT, SWALLOWS AND LIGHTS UP A CIGAR***
Also what can I say about our scouting department. (Ostrom then laughs uncontrollably) ya that’s right the scouting department is me! I fired them all because I trade away all the picks! And what do I have to show for my lack of drafting? A cup and a farm team who was so close to making the finals as well! I like my draft picks like I like pictures of Queen, non-existent. Hard work from top to bottom in this org, what a site to see!
***TRIED TO CHUG ANOTHER 50, FALLS OVER HIS SEAT, STUMBLES BACK UP***
Before I start thanking the boys on the squad, I also want to send a big middle finger and thank you to Bryan Rust. What? I already talked about him? F*ck sakes. Alright last group I want to thank is the Western Teams, we did it baby! Time to wreck this town!!!
***OSTROM HANDS OUT HIS CELL NUMBER TO 3 REPORTERS ON THE WAY OUT AND DOES THE CROTCH CHOP TO RUST ONE FINAL TIME ON CAMERA***
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The following is a statement released by Mike Ostrom’s Instagram Account the following morning:
“Hello Fans,
I just want to let you all know that we are all ok. Things got a little crazy last night and the whole team got arrested. Luckily the police station had a huge holding cell for us where we continued the party with the officers.
I sincerely want to thank all the GM’s in this great league for their banter, support, ideas and dedication to the league. I also want to thank all those who run different pieces of the league to keep it going. So much hard work behind the scenes. Finally, Russ, the real MVP every season of this league. What a crew and looking forward to the next season.
Finally, I know there are a few of you who I message more than others, our Wolfpack so to speak. I share this with you! And old Sumit before he started to worry about what people thought of him. I miss that guy. I will use my winnings to bail myself out of jail”