March 28th –
After what some consider took ages, the All-Star Rosters have finally been released for the Year 8 CCHL Season.
In what normally goes by as “The East is strong” or “The West got lucky” game depending how it ends, one thing is for sure, all the players should be very proud of making the team.
Event organizer and GM of the Seattle Kraken Mike Ostrom took over the duties from Leafs GM Ryan Hicks as a good batch of weed came in during the month of March leaving him incapable of getting up to go to the fridge let alone finishing his duties. “Ryan is a good buddy of mine and when a friend of mine has other matters to attend to, I am there to help out. I look forward to talking to him next trade deadline.”
When asked about the process, Ostrom had this to say, “The process was simple, each team had to nominate one forward and one defender. We thought these instructions were simple enough even for a goofball like Nazem Kadri in playoff mode, but clearly it was not. Once we corrected countless teams on those players having to be from their own squad, we then realized a lot of GMs hate their teams. Finally, I presented the nominations to two GMs who earned the elite status of All Star GM by being the quickest/dumbest to respond to the request. Kurtis in Washington and Derek in St Louis each took their own approach to constructing a line up that will represent their fellow conference GMs. Now we have the results.” When asked how it was working with these two minds, Mike responded with “They couldn’t be any different and I think they embody their conferences terrifically. Derek for example couldn’t get the damn google sheet to work, didn’t want to download the app, and will likely fall short like the West in the finals. Kurtis on the other had spent countless hours crafting lineups, negotiated with a GM to use a different player from his team to only then not use that player, and literally over thought every angle like most GMs in the East do during the year. It was something. One thing I do know is that when Kurtis asked if all lines were going to be played 25% each, Derek mentioned he thought the 4th line in the west should take the night off.”
So without further adieu, here are you All Star Rosters (any and all flaming should be kept away from Mike Ostrom, he is simply a puppet in this. Please send all complaints to Ryan Hicks, mailing address “somewhere in Sudbury, just follow the smell of weed”)
WEST ALL STARS
By the numbers (as of March 28th 2022)
Total Goals – 420 Total Assists – 734 Total Points – 1154 Total PIMS – 921 Average Age – 28.3
Huberdeau - Marchand - Stone
MacKinnon - Yamamoto - Zibanajed
Kopitar - B. Tkachuk - Noel
Neal - Scherbak - Andrighetto
McDonagh - Ristolainen
Pietroangelo - Subban
Spurgeon - Miller
Sheshterkin
Vasilevsky
Oettinger
EAST ALL STARS
Total Goals – 467 Total Assists – 795 Total Points – 1262 Total PIMS – 771 Average Age – 29.4 Kuznetsov - McDavid - Kane
Benn - Crosby - Scheifele
Draisaitl - Getzlaf - Matthews
Mittlestadt - Barkov - Duclair
Krug - Weber
Karlsson - Rielly
Jones - Josi
Korpisalo
Bobrovsky
Andersen
Following the All Star Game there will be a beer Olympics held in the parking lot. The All Star game will take place on day 1 of the rest days allowing 5 days to recover from the hangover. The players have also arranged for a wet tshirt contest where it will be the Wives of the East vs Wives of the West fighting to take home the Queen B Crown.